


Not Very Okay At All

by NemoSwiftie



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: 5x19 fix it, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Author Is Sleep Deprived, But also not, Canon Related, Dialogue Heavy, F/F, Fix-It, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, and also, and it's the conversation we all want and deserve, because we all know this is never going to happen, but i guess you can also say, it takes place after the episode ended, lena and kara finally talk, like there's only 300 words that aren't dialogue, so also - Freeform, the author is bad at tagging, there's also a winnie the pooh quote cause i saw an opportunity and i took it, this is a first for me so don't judge please
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:14:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24262648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NemoSwiftie/pseuds/NemoSwiftie
Summary: "You know what? Yes, I hurt you. I didn’t mean to, but I did. But you never listened to me, you used me, and you intentionally looked for ways to hurt me. And, yes, I probably could have done this differently, but I didn’t hurt you intentionally. I tried to do the right thing, tell you the truth. But you also forgot that I never owed it to you, no matter how much you mean to me, how much I meant to you. My truth was mine to share when I was ready."OrPost 5x19. Kara and Lena finally have the conversation we all want and deserve.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 28
Kudos: 236





	1. Chapter 1

When the day ended, after Leviathan was defeated with the help of Brainy and everyone decided to come back tomorrow, fresh and well rested, to figure out how to take down Lex.

Kara offered Lena to come back to her place, order some take out and talk. They started while they were in Lena's lab, but they kept getting interrupted and Kara felt like she needs to talk this through with Lena if they ever want to move on and try to become friends again.

So here they were, in Kara's living room, with three pizza boxes on the table. One plain, mostly for Lena, one with pepperoni and another one with pineapples. They were all half eaten, with Kara take a slice from a different box every time and Lena only eating three slices before she was full.

They were silent all this time, neither knowing what to say to start the conversation in fear of saying the wrong thing while also not really knowing what they want to say. Eventually, though, Kara got tired of the silence and spoke up.

“You know what? Yes, I hurt you. I didn’t mean to, but I did. But you never listened to me, you used me, and you intentionally looked for ways to hurt me. And, yes, I probably could have done this differently, but I didn’t hurt you intentionally. I tried to do the right thing, tell you the truth. But you also forgot that I never owed it to you, no matter how much you mean to me, how much I meant to you.

"My truth was mine to share when I was ready. Because it's more than just a secret identity, it's also about my past, my planet, my family. The trauma of seeing my plant literally explode right in front of my eyes, knowing that my entire family and friends are there and there's _nothing_ I can do to keep them alive. It's about being trapped in the Phantom Zone for 24 years, without time passing, the only thing keeping me occupied are the images of losing my plant playing over, and over, and _over_ in my mind, in an endless loop, and being only 13 and not knowing if I'll ever get to earth, or if I'll spend the rest of eternity in this pace where time doesn't pass, where I would be forever stuck as a 13 year old. I was supposed to take care of my baby cousin, at 13 I was given the responsibility of taking care of him. And there I was, stuck in this place, absolute silence and darkness surrounding me, and I didn't know what would happen to me, what would happen to Kal-El, where he was.

"And don't– don't tell me that you're sorry, that you didn't know, because you not knowing that was a result of your actions, of you using me, leading me on for weeks, and then refusing to listen to me, to talk to me, no matter how hard I tried to have this conversation with you. You refused to talk to me, so you not knowing is a result of your actions and your decisions, because I tried, at every single turn, to give you a chance, give you the benefit of the doubt. I fought for you at the DEO, telling my sister and my friends that you were just confused, that you were just processing and that you needed time. But instead, you proved them all right. You went and used me, stole from me, used _kryptonite_ against me, even after I told you why it scares me so much.

"I only made _one_ single mistake, and that is not telling you the truth as soon as I was ready, letting Alex decide for me that it's not a good time, no matter when I wanted to do it. But you let that dictate your actions this entire year, you decided that your anger and hurt is more important to you than our friendship. And I know– I _know_ that you didn't mean to let it get this far, but I gave you so many options to stop, to get out of the path you were on, and then you went and worked with _Lex_ of all people, after _everything_ he did to you. After all the times he betrayed you, tried to get you killed, gained your trust just so that he could manipulate you. You went to him, instead of me, when you knew I would listen to you, and talk to you, if you just gave me the chance."

Kara poured out every single thought she ever had over the last year, since she told Lena the truth, and Lena was stunned into silence.

"I… uh… I'm sorry." Lena said quietly. Kara could see the tears in her eyes, could hear the way she was holding them back. Lena took a deep breath and continued.

"I'm sorry I never listened to you, you were right, I let my anger and hurt lead the way. I thought I knew everything about you, and then you revealed this huge piece of information, and I felt so _stupid_. I just thought to myself 'wow, if it was this easy for her to hide something as big as this, what else could she be hiding from me?' and instead of coming to you, I just stewed in my anger, let it build and consume me. And then… then then the crisis happened, and suddenly Lex was part of the good guys, supposedly, and he came to me, and told me he'll work with me, used a truth seeker on himself to prove to me he was telling the truth, and I just followed him blindly, because he accepted me, this version of him never lied to me. And it was just so much easier to trust him so blindly than try and repair our relationship.

"But you're right, it was your truth to tell when you were ready. I just never thought about everything else that came with you being Supergirl, being an alien, because it was so much easier to be mad at you when I don't let my mind validate your actions. When I let myself be angry from having to find out from my dying brother. He used his dying breath to tell me this, knowing that this is when he did with it, while you had three years of friendship to come to me with this, it was so easy to justify my actions to myself and everyone around me. To push everyone I love away."

Kara opened her arms to Lena after she saw she was finished, indicating that she wanted a hug.

"You know, you need to stop assuming every time someone hurts you it was intentional and because you're a Luthor. Because as far as I'm concerned, as well as our friends, you're just Lena. You need to understand that once people get to know who you are, under the CEO persona with the killer heels and designer clothes and the looks that could kill, we see our friend Lena who likes to wear t-shirts with bad science puns on them and loves red wine and is crazy good at Monopoly even thought it's supposed to be pure luck, and cries and cried during every single movie we watch. We love you for you, and we keep you around because we like the person you are when you're around us, not because we want to keep an eye on the crazy Luthor that might go over the edge at any second. And know that you can always come to us for help, because we're never going to judge you for needing help"

"I promise I'm gonna try." Lena smiled a soft smile at her best friend.

"That's all I could ever ask for"

Kara tightened her arms around her best friend, happy that she finally got everything she ever wanted to say off her chest.

"Hey Kara?" Lena whispered

"Yeah?"

"Can we try and go back to being friends? I know it'll never be the same as before, or what it could have been, but I want to try, because I never had a friend like you, and I don't want to lose you"

"Yeah, I'd like that."

After a little while, Kara spoke up again.

"You know, another reason I never told you was because being friends with you was always so easy. You never expected me to always be okay, always be strong. My friends, and Alex, no matter how hard they try, they always see Supergirl when they look at me, even if they don't mean to. They always see that beacon of hope and love and compassion, and they always expect me to be strong, and happy, and provide comfort, that they sometimes forget that I need that comfort every now and then. That sometimes I need to be taken care of.

"They forget that sometimes I have bad days, because it isn't always easy to be happy after everything that happened to me. I have days when I need my mom more than anything, to hug her and feel her arms around me, smell her hair that I swear smelled like sunshine, or hear her voice telling me that everything is going to be okay. And I miss the way my dad would sneak me into his lab, and teach me everything he knows, and let me do my own science experiments, blowing stuff up, and accidently setting equipment on fire, or how he would call me his sunshine, his piece of Rao. And I miss prying with my parents for Rao. I miss the red hue everything had from the light of Rao, and the way His color would change when the sun was setting, and everything would get this deep, dark red color and how beautiful it was. I miss knowing exactly where my life was going, knowing that once I finish my education, I'm going to be in the Science Guild with my father. I was so excited to get to spend every single day with him, he was my best friend. And I know they aren't doing it on purpose, trying to make me feel bad for not being okay, but they still do it, even Alex.

"But I never had that with you, you never expected Kara to be okay all the time, because just Kara was only human. I was only human to you, and you accepted me on my bad days just like you did on my good days, because part of being human was getting hurt, and not being okay. And sometimes I have days where I don't feel okay for no apparent reason, I just do, and it was okay. You never judged me. Never expected me to be this beacon of hope because you didn’t know that was me, and I wasn't ready to risk that, to possibly let that go."

"Hey, here's the thing. There are two things that you need to know. The first thing is that even those people, who seem to have got everything in life all sorted out... they probably haven't. Actually, everyone has days when they feel Not Very Okay At All. Some people are just better at hiding it than others. And the second thing you need to know... is that it's okay to feel Not Very Okay At All. It can be quite normal, in fact. And all you need to do, on those days when you feel Not Very Okay At All, is come and find me, and tell me. Don't ever feel like you have to hide the fact you're feeling Not Very Okay At All. Always come and tell me. Because I will always be there."

"Did you just quote Winnie the Pooh at me?" Kara giggled

"Yes, yes I did" Lena smiled as she said that.

"I never pegged you for a Winnie the Pooh kinda gal"

"Kara Danvers, there is a lot you still don't know about me"

"Well, I can't wait to find out"


	2. question

some of you told me in the comments that some of the conversation didn't feel right, and going back to read it i feel like there are a lot of holes in this, so would anyone be interested in a part two now that i'm not writing at 2am while being sleep deprived?

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on my tumblr: karlenasuperluthor.tumblr.com
> 
> Also, for anyone wondering, this is the full Winnie the Pooh quote: https://agnostic.com/post/103025/piglet-said-pooh-yes-pooh-said-piglet-do-you-ever-have-days-when-everything-feels


End file.
